


The consequences of a failed attempt of self sacrifice

by Thebiwife



Series: Polyshipping Drabbles [1]
Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: 30 Day Angst Challenge, Biphobia, F/F, F/M, Multi, Period Typical Attitudes, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory Negotiations, Polyshipping Day, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27815893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thebiwife/pseuds/Thebiwife
Summary: This fic is a part of my Polyshipping Drabbles!Polyshipping Day is the first of every month! In an attempt to write more diverse relationship types I will update this series each month to explore healthy polyamorous ships in fandom. Want to know more? Go visit #polyshippingday on tumblr.The title & chapter two came fromdeity-prompts' 30 Day Angst Challenge, which I'm aiming to complete in the Month of March 2021
Relationships: Carol Hathaway/John "Tag" Taglieri, Carol Hathaway/Susan Lewis
Series: Polyshipping Drabbles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2044975
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [a girlfriend for Christmas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22370473) by [Blake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blake/pseuds/Blake). 



Susan lowered her eyeline as her girlfriend approached her, the 'sexy' Santa outfit she had invested in some years ago on a trip to New York getting its first - and only - use this year.

“It still smells like the mustard you got on it, you know,” Carol laughed, Susan blushing. “You haven’t washed it?”

“It takes me back,” Susan shrugged then laughed, sitting down and removing her boots. Not that she’d been outside at all, but she had worn the thick black woollen boots to complete the outfit - Santa wouldn’t wear red glittery ballet pumps after all. Susan had considered putting on said shoes when she got ready to show up on her girlfriend’s doorstep with a sprig of mistletoe above their heads, before shoving them to the back of her closet, where she had sat cross-legged in refusal to come out for a long time before, well, _that Christmas_.

“Takes you back? Back to when?”

“Our first Christmas together…” Susan’s eyes glistened like the fairy lights behind her. "Or, well, the Christmas party before it." The previous year Susan had at least worn it _out_ of the house, to a German-themed bierkeller Christmas party, which they had since witnessed causing far too many major food poisoning incidents to ever revisit.

“Right,” Carol laughed, blushing. “Back when we only _pretended_ we were together.”

Of course, complex as all relationships are, once they had decided to make things _official_ there had still been some level of pretence between them; while Susan had quickly come to understand herself, it had taken Carol that bit longer. And the very day that Susan had come to Carol's apartment after her shift as Mrs Clause to be met at the door by Carol with a fancy bottle of wine in hand, to ask if they could talk about the dynamic of their relationship, Carol was still trying to come to terms with who she was, only in a different way. 

Susan had always kind of expected Carol to say that she wanted to start seeing someone else, but she hadn’t expected her to suggest that it didn’t mean she wanted to break things off. Nor that the _someone else_ she was referring to would be Dr. Taglieri.

“He asked me out, and well, I _am_ interested. But I don’t want to stop seeing you,” she poured out two glasses of the Beaujolais.

“Does _he_ know that?”

Carol nodded tentatively, Susan’s eyes widening in response. 

“He’s not expecting…” Susan didn’t quite manage to finish the sentence. She raised her eyebrows ”... _you know_.”

“I don’t think so,” Carol smiled.

“Because I half expected you to tell me that Doug Ross was sniffing around again. And I wouldn’t have put that request past _him_.”

“No, no…When Tag asked me out I told him I was seeing someone else. And he did assume that it was Doug…”

“Mmhmm,” Susan took another sip of the wine, hoping Carol would volunteer the next bit of information she was hoping for.

“But he asked if I was... _poly_. Which I then found out means Polyamorous.”

“Being in a relationship with more than one person you mean?” 

Carol nodded. “It turns out it’s something _he’s_ done in the past.”

“As a... _long-term_ arrangement?”

“Yes. Right now he’s not in any relationships, but I looked into it and I think it’s something I’d like to consider, providing you’re ok with it.”

It had come as a surprise to Susan that Carol had been so up front about something, but the last thing Susan wanted, as a not-quite-out lesbian dating an even-less-out bisexual woman, was to fall into some trope of the jealous girlfriend. She trusted Carol, and, although they hadn’t said that to each other yet, Susan _loved_ her. 

Susan put her free hand behind Carol’s ear, sweeping her dark curls aside so she could kiss her in one of the many places that made her girlfriend squirm.

“But if you’re not remotely ok with it, I understand, and I’ll tell him no.”

Susan briefly kissed Carol’s neck before pulling away to take in her beautiful face. 

“So wait, if you _had_ been seeing Doug would he have suggested the same arrangement?”

“He doesn’t know I’m _not_ seeing Doug. I just told him I’m in a relationship with someone else from work.”

“The fact we all work in the same place...it could be complicated.”

“I know...but we’ve done _complicated_.”

“We’ve done _closeted._ We still do...”

Carol looked down at her feet.

“Would you expect me to see other people too?” Susan whispered.

“Only if you want to. You wouldn’t _have_ to.”

Susan hesitated for a while but then giggled. “Do you think he wanted...the same thing I did.”

“What do you mean?”

“Did he want...someone to take home to the parents?Because as far as girlfriends for _the holidays with the family_ go, I can vouch for you. I’d give a good review of what we got up to in my parents’ bathroom. _”_

Carol hit her playfully. “I mean, he didn’t exactly ask for references.”

“So you do still want to...spend Christmas together this year?”

“Well you know I don’t exactly want to be stuck with my mother all day. I’ll head straight over after I finish my shift, I always put myself down for a few hours, so it seems fair.” 

“I know. What I meant is you don’t want to spend it with _him_?”

Carol laughed in disbelief. “I haven’t even said yes to dinner yet, I wanted to check in with you first, not that I’m even sure what you think. And of course I want to spend Christmas with you!”

Susan inhaled deeply through her nose. “Well, honestly? I don’t want you to resent me.”

“Why would I _resent_ you?”

“You know...you’re _bi_. You have... _needs_. You can’t help that.”  
  
“Susan, baby. This has _nothing_ to do with my being bisexual. I’m not just dating you while I'm waiting for the right guy...I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I’m not saying you would…”

“I don’t need an answer now. Just...think about it.”

“Ok.”

“And whatever your answer, that’s ok.”


	2. Chapter 2

The best comfort Carol had found post-breakup was her girlfriend, a rom-com and a pint of Cherry García. She had known the second Tag toyed with the idea of marriage this was inevitable; she wasn’t yet sure if his new-found penchant for monogamous commitment had really been the deal-breaker for her, though.

“You didn’t have to say no, not immediately,” Susan said, looking down her nose at her girlfriend.

“I know...well I was thinking about Tatiana. What if I _had_...said yes?”

“You don’t know that it was being _single,_ well, _single in the eyes of the state_ , that made them say no, honey,” Susan said, not wanting to over-speculate, but she couldn’t quite help herself. “I mean...all for the better? I know, not for Tatiana, but for _Carol_. Imagine getting all dolled up for your wedding and what, Tag doesn’t show…”

“And even a husband might not have helped negate the consequences of my former mental state going against me.”

“As long as you are happy now?” Susan asked.

“You know I’ve always been happy with you,” Carol said, kissing Susan on the tip of her nose. “It’s not about that.”

“I know. I just worry that I’m not...enough. I can’t marry you, we can’t adopt Tatiana together...I don’t blame you for wanting that from a guy. And I understand if that puts a time limit on us, here. As long as he’s as crazy about you as I am.”

“Susan, stop. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“So let me just focus on us for a while?”

“Us? You mean, you, me, my sister and my newborn niece?”


End file.
